Burnout doesn't end the moment you return to work or get relief from the worst symptoms. True recovery can take months or even years and often brings with it questions that aren't talked about as much. In this personal story, our editor Tereza Bartošková shares her experience of what it is like to live after burnout – with doubts, fear, and the effort to build a better relationship with work and herself.
Quite a lot has already been written about how burnout develops and how it manifests itself. Less is said, however, about what comes next – what it is like to search for energy again, learn to work differently, stop measuring one's worth by performance, and accept that recovery is neither fast nor straightforward.
I myself have addressed the topic of burnout in several texts. However, producing this one took me a long time. Sharing my experience publicly like this, wallowing in my own head, and trying to put my thoughts into text so that it isn't an elusive "stream of consciousness" is, in practice, more complicated than reading specialized thematic materials and conducting interviews. Because it involves pain, shame, and fear. I didn't feel like admitting that I'm not as okay as I would like to be, and I was afraid it would come across as whining. But if my experience helps even a little bit someone who is not feeling well right now, I think it makes sense to talk about it.
Is it normal not to be OK?
When I burned out, I felt like I was falling apart. I was often on the verge of tears and cried a few times on my way to work or right there. My anxiety got worse, I was permanently tired, my stomach and head hurt, and I was shaking. I had a hard time concentrating, and new ideas came out of me like pulling teeth. I withdrew from people because I felt like bad company. Others talked about work, traveling, and plans, and I was embarrassed to admit that I couldn't manage to function. I didn't want to be "that negative one."
I was full of fear for the future and disgust with the past. And actually, with the present too – from being a "weak piece". I stopped feeling real joy. I couldn't remember when I had experienced it last.
Today I no longer start crying just at the thought of opening my laptop or going to a work meeting. I no longer feel physically sick. I still get the shakes in some situations, but I probably won't get rid of a certain level of stress anytime soon. I go outside more and I've allowed myself to cut back on certain meetings that tend to drain me. That's progress.
Yet at the same time, I feel like I haven't been "overworking myself" since then, or rather, I don't know how to function at a sustainable level anymore. I used to be able to sit at the computer for long hours. Today, I burn out much faster (or I'm just more aware of how much energy it costs me). I'm more scattered, and I put off difficult tasks on my to-do list more often than I check them off. I'm stagnating.
And that is precisely why a question echoes in my head: Am I really that lazy? Or is my body just afraid that if it pushes hard again, it will end up back where it took so long to get out of?
I think it's a bit of both. Anyway, I no longer want to automatically assume that the solution to every problem is to add more.
Although things are improving in our society, hustle culture is still valued to a certain extent. We want to be successful and happy at the same time, which is not always easy to balance. On top of that, I compare myself a lot. People my age usually don't live with their parents, they have a career underway, and some already have children too. Meanwhile, I feel like I can't even properly take care of myself.
And this brings me to what I think played a big role in my burnout. The work itself wasn't what broke me. Much more important was my relationship to it – and to myself.
I felt that my worth depended on my performance. On how much I could handle and how well. How many people would praise me. Whether they would like me. I didn't know how to respect myself.
And low self-esteem is one of the frequent risk factors that contribute to burnout. When a person constantly tries to prove that they are good enough, they easily start doing too much for others and too little for themselves. They run out of energy.
Escape from work and everyday reality
When I was at my lowest, I decided to quit my job. At the same time, I knew I needed a change of scenery and to get out of Prague for a while. In the past, when burnout was perhaps starting to creep up on me, I treated myself to three weeks in Sri Lanka or she set out on the Camino.
This time I flew to the ocean for three months. And just like in the waves, I felt inside my head.
I surfed, relaxed, met new people and places, went for walks, tried meditating, and occasionally just burst into tears. It was a mix of emotions that was far from balanced. Yet, gradually, I began to feel and look better.
I can't say that I rose like a phoenix from the ashes, but I found the energy and enthusiasm within myself to tackle more work. I also applied to media outlets, which I had been drawn to for quite some time. I was a bit afraid of returning to everyday reality, but at the same time, I felt ready to start the next chapter and create more.
However, I flew into a somewhat unfortunate and emotionally demanding situation. Instead of a peaceful acclimatization and space to focus on myself, I was dealing with family problems. Today, with the benefit of two years of hindsight, I wonder if that wasn't one of the reasons why I perhaps never fully recovered.
Recovery is not going back
Recovery is a process that is usually not linear and does not happen in a vacuum. It can take years and requires various changes in life. In her [work/practice], recovering from burnout is [something that] master's thesis dealt with Bára Hailandová, co-founder Don't put outAmong other things, it points out that recovery does not necessarily mean returning to the state we were in before burnout. If long-term overload, unrealistic expectations, or our relationship with work contributed to it, returning to the same way of functioning is likely to lead to further exhaustion rather than true healing.
Perhaps the goal is not to be the way we used to be again. Rather, the goal is to learn how to function differently.
It may sound simple, but in practice it is much harder.
I haven't resolved everything within myself, even though I tried with professional help as well. I still sometimes spin in circles of doubt and self-flagellation. Some patterns are simply harder to rewrite.
One of them is my need to be perfect and please others. I can burn a lot of energy thinking about what everyone thinks, whether I said something right, whether people like me, or whether I am a good enough friend, daughter, or colleague.
And then there is still that (un)joy. Sometimes I notice that things that should probably be naturally joyful, I don't experience as intensely. In fact, sometimes the people around me notice it too. And when someone tells me, it triggers another round of thinking: Do I come across as boring or ungrateful? Do I even know how to properly relax and enjoy myself anymore?
Life with the Label of an Overachiever
I am still learning to work even with less energy and under conditions that may not always be ideal. After all, the bills won't pay themselves, and I can't just passively wait for the muse. At the same time, it is necessary to recognize the boundary between healthy discipline and self-destruction.
Some people admire the amount of effort and time I dedicate to sports. At the same time, however, I know that to a certain extent I am using it to compensate for stagnation at work and bad thoughts. Despite various partial successes, I sometimes feel like a loser. A voice that settled inside me long before my burnout is "whispering" it to me. The voice of that good straight-A student who felt she had to be perfect to deserve praise, acceptance, and love.
Community support
If you are on the verge of burnout or already feel burnt out, I am not sure if it is a good idea to tell yourself that it is just a phase, that it will get better. Often, after one project ends, something else comes along. All the more reason not to live just for your work. To notice what takes our energy away and what, on the contrary, gives it back. Which people charge us up and which ones drain us. When we feel good and when we start to lose ourselves.
If you can at least partially identify with the feelings and situations described above, I understand you. Maybe you will never function the same way again. Maybe you don't even have to. Indeed, true healing may not lie in being able to function at our maximum again. Rather, it lies in understanding that our worth does not depend on how much we can handle at all.
During recovery, you sometimes also learn to (re)trust that you don't have to be alone in this.
We thank Tereza for sharing her experience. Real stories are often precisely what can help a person realize that they are not alone and that their feelings are not abnormal. At the same time, however, no experience is transferable one-to-one. Every person may experience burnout differently, may have different causes, a different course, and a different path back.
If you feel you need help, you don't have to be alone. On our web find information about burnout, support options and contacts for therapists, you can contact.
