When my first panic attack hit, I was surprised. I had no idea what was happening or why my body was reacting so intensely. Only in retrospect did I realize that it had been sending me warning signals for a long time, which I had overlooked. In this text, I share my experience with a panic attack – what preceded it, how it unfolded, and what it taught me about my life and what I needed to change in it. A panic attack is not a weakness. It is a crisis that forces us to stop and consider how we want to live moving forward. It is an opportunity to take our lives back into our own hands.
I remember that day to this day. It was March. Shortly after nine in the morning. I was sitting on a tram on my way to the office. I had just finished a regular coaching session, from which I was leaving full of determination to address situations that were no longer serving me. One of them was my role at work. The closer I got to the office, the more anxious I started to feel. I was sweating, having trouble breathing. My head was spinning. Fear washed over me. The space on the tram started to feel small, and I needed to get off immediately. I needed to go home. On the way from the stop, the world was spinning around me. I suspected this wasn't the usual anxiety I was familiar with. I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest.Am I having a heart attack?It occurred to me.
As soon as I got home, I knew I needed to let go of what was coming. I can't hold it in anymore. I'm safe. I let go. I had no idea what was coming.
The whole thing took a few minutes. I was sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall. He held his head. I was crying, trembling. I told myself I couldn't go on. How do you turn this off? The first thoughts were about how to turn off my life. Should I jump from the first floor or call an ambulance? The dark thoughts gradually receded.
I've experienced several severe anxieties in my life. I learned that in these situations, I need to stay calm and breathe. To shift my attention from what's happening right now to something else. So I breathed. Deeply. I counted to 10. Again and again. I told myself that I would survive this. I wouldn't die.
About an hour passed. What the hell was that? I needed to talk to someone. I picked up the phone and called my mom. I told her about what happened. As I talked about what happened out loud, I realized that I had just experienced an attack firsthand. My life had just changed. I won't let this happen to me again.
I have several people around me who have also experienced panic attacks. I found out what their experience was like. What went through their minds? Most of them had the same thought: "I will survive. I have to breathe." What did we have in common? Returning to conscious breathing.
Trigger
My panic attack wasn't caused by the job at the time. Maybe it helped it to break out. I was in a place that wasn't for me. I was shrinking. I was tired. Until then, work had been my life. Somewhere inside myself, I knew I wanted to live differently. That I wanted to live, not just survive.
At that time, I was afraid to leave. What was I afraid of? Of not being able to stay without work. I have obligations, after all. What would I do? Whatever worries I had, the moment a panic attack appeared, all those fears went aside. It dawned on me how fragile our health is and that we really only have one. Without it, everything is trivial.
What is a panic attack
A panic attack is a condition where several factors accumulate in the body at once. Usually, this involves long-term accumulated stress, suppressed emotions, neglecting oneself, and chronic fatigue. At a given moment, it may seem like our life is in danger. In reality, this is not the case. It appears without warning. Among the most common symptoms are impaired breathing, chest pressure, sweating, and dizziness. All of this is accompanied by a feeling that we have no control over the situation.
You might not recognize a panic attack as it's happening. But in retrospect, you'll see all the signals that preceded it.
Life before a panic attack and what I was actually ignoring
During the following therapies, I realized how much I had suppressed and overlooked until now. From emotions, learned patterns that I had carried with me since childhood, unspoken words, and how much I had allowed others in relation to myself, to the need to have everything under control. Not to mention the long-term fatigue that led to apathy and a lack of desire for almost anything. Relationships at a freezing point.
At the time I had a panic attack, I was already on the path to change. I realized I wanted to live differently, and the attack was also a reaction to my subconscious. A reaction to what would happen if I acted differently. What would happen if I stood up for myself and didn't put up with others' behavior. I wasn't ready for this version of myself that I was building.
The sole topic was boundaries. How wrong I was to think I had so many things sorted out.
Life after a panic attack
So much has changed. I quit my job. I gave myself a few months off. I allowed myself to stop, to catch my breath. To lose myself and find myself again. To stop being in control. To listen to my body. It was only this crisis that told me I had to start putting myself first. In everything.
It might seem like it was the worst moment of my life. At that moment, it was. Looking back, I see it as the moment after which I decided to live differently and really started to love myself.
Today I'm consciously deciding how I spend my time. Who I spend my time with. I've realized what's mine – what activities recharge me, how I spend my time when I'm not feeling well. Am I forcing myself on days when I need to rest, to do what I do when I'm feeling good?
The important thing I want to say is that leaving – a job, a relationship – doesn't always have to be the solution. Perhaps it's an opportunity to learn to defend ourselves and our boundaries more. To slam the table and say no. To set deadlines and see if changes occur. To prepare next steps. To stop chasing an ideal.
I wish, however, that we would talk more about what's happening to us. Call things by their real names. Tell friends that we really aren't feeling well. Words can have different meanings for each of us; we draw from our own experiences and can't read each other's minds. All the more so when we need help, we should emphasize what we truly need. For myself, it's still a challenge. But I see how naming emotions – that I'm angry, or when I allow myself to cry when I need it most – can bring me relief. I see how okay it is and how much better I feel afterward.
What next?
Admitting that there's too much of something in us, that something no longer serves us, takes courage and strength. Seeking professional help and looking at what's happening to us is okay. The same goes for when we want change in our lives and don't know how to achieve it. There are several helping professions that can assist us.
I'd also like to leave a message for those who have someone around them who might not be doing well. Don't try to solve their problems. Just be there for them. Ask what's going on, what they truly need from you, and listen. It might seem like nothing. Believe me, in that moment, you could be saving their life.
